a memoir of alcoholism and addiction, faith and family, hope and humor by Dina Kucera

Advice from Dina Kucera on what to do if you suspect your child is using drugs.

IT COULD HAPPEN…

People, young and old, become addicted to drugs that make them feel more like themselves. It feels like an improved version of themselves. A Superman version of themselves.

If you ever spend time with a person before or after they have been addicted to opiates (pain killers, heroin), you would probably describe that person as being kind or compassionate. They are able to get along with everyone, and people love to talk with them and be around them. They are very loving and easy to be around.

If you have spent time with a person before they become addicted to stimulants (cocaine, crack, crystal meth), you would probably describe these people as being fun, funny, outgoing people. They excel in most things they do. They are aggressive but fun. You can always count on them to get things done.

Most parents will say, “It’s not my kid that will become an addict.” But if either of the descriptions above sound like your kid, it could happen.

A really important tip is that if you are taking any kind of medication that can be abused…pain pills, Xanax, anything…either throw them out or LOCK THEM UP. Don’t assume that your child will not take them. It‘s like leaving a gun on the kitchen table. It’s not worth taking the chance.

Also, if you suspect your child is using, you’re going to have to go through their belongings. Some say this is an invasion of privacy. Yes, it is. But what you’re doing is playing it safe. You may not find anything. But you may. Invading their privacy could save their lives.

BEFORE YOU GO IN THEIR ROOM…

Please know if you find something, it is not the end of the world. You are not a bad parent. Your kid is not a bad kid. It will be okay…. And it is better to know than not know. Be brave.

Drug addicts are not stupid people. So when you look, dig deep. In stuffed animals, CD cases, in the pages of books, in clothing pockets, in their shoes, behind photos hung on the wall. You really need to be creative and think about where you would hide something that you didn’t want your parents to find. Backpacks, purses, wallets, pull out their drawers and look underneath. Be sure there is nothing taped inside of the dresser.

There could be things you find that you don’t even know are drug related. This is a VERY important. Tin foil. If you find tin foil in their room for any reason, there is a solid chance something is up. Kids can smoke a multitude of drugs off tin foil…heroin, meth, Oxycontin… the list is long. The tin foil makes their hands black, so many times surfaces of their room have black marks on them…light switches, wall outlets, door handles.

Some of their personal belonging may be gone. They may be losing cell phones. Selling a cell phone for drugs is common. They may have sold some of your personal belongings that you may not even be aware are actually gone.

It’s common for teenagers to sleep their day away. But sleeping too much is a sign there may be more going on. When people use opiates, their eyes become very, very glassy. The pupils of their eyes are almost gone. This could be easily mistaken for an allergy or a cold. When people use stimulants, their eye pupils become very large. Once I looked at my daughter and her green eyes were gone. Her pupil had covered her entire eye color, so her eyes were black. It’s horrible the things you remember.

IF YOU FIND SOMETHING…..STOP.

If you corner a drug addict they will be gone. Get yourself together. Walk it off for a few hours or even a day if you must. Try and understand that your kid did not get in this hole by making a conscious decision to do so. Your kid was buried before they even knew what was happening. Your kid may desperately want you to know, but they are afraid of your response. They may be filled with fear and self loathing, and feel horrified about how much they have disappointed you and they just can’t face it. Walk it off until you can be calm.

Tell your child, “I feel that something is going on with you and I want you to know that you can tell me. I will help you. I found this in your room. I’m not angry, but I am very worried and I want to help. I am here. I love you.” (I know what you really want to do is to slap them silly, but don’t. I know when you say “I love you” what you’re thinking is I would like to kick your little ass up the street. Don’t.)

The kid may say something, but they may not. The best case scenario is that they think things over and come back to you for help. If they don’t, you are going to need to make their life difficult. Most drug stores sell drug tests. You may say to your kid that you believe them when they tell you they are not using, so they certainly won’t mind taking the drug test. Do it once a week until you feel better. If they are not using, they won’t mind.

HOW TO GET TREATMENT…

Now… the million dollar question. Say the kid confirms your concerns and wants help. Do you have a million dollars? Probably not. Neither did we. We had nothing. You may be able to get them detox very easily. But the detox center will most often release your kid to you after four or five days. This will be very exciting for the kid because he or she will be high within the hour of release. (I’m sorry to sound so harsh, but that’s probably what will happen.) You can’t fix a heroin or meth addiction in five days.

If you have thirty thousand dollars, you can find them help. In many cases, you may have to send them to a facility in another city or another state. To get help you are going to have to make hundreds of phone calls and beg and scream and cry. You will have to stalk insurance companies to get them to approve treatment for your teenager.

Insurance companies have various catch phrases that they use to avoid medically treating your child. One popular one is called giving your child a “lower level of care.” That means counseling or outpatient treatment. Your child would love outpatient treatment. That gives them plenty of time to take drugs with their friends. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Insurance companies say the teenagers are “in a stage.” Make sure the insurance company knows that YOU know heroin is not a stage. Crystal meth is not a stage. When you have spent weeks arguing with the insurance company, make sure to let them know that if something happens to your child, you will hold them completely responsible. Your child needs medical treatment. Period.

I am a mother and I completely understand the feeling of wanting to believe people when they say “it’s only a stage.” But it’s not. Kids get addicted to drugs just as easily as any thirty year old. Probably more easily. So scream until you can’t scream anymore. Know going in that getting them inpatient treatment will be as challenging as the drug addiction itself. It will not be easy. And when you do finally get your kid into treatment, the insurance company will attempt to have them released a week later. Then you have to scream and argue and do the whole thing again. You may have to do this once a week. I cannot stress enough that you have to be ready for an all out war to get your child help. Do not stop. Be relentless. Make it so when the insurance company gets on the phone with you, they cringe and feel queasy. And there is only one way to make it stop. Medically treat my child.

A TOUGH ROAD…

If your kid absolutely refuses any sort of communication or conversation about your concerns, he or she may have to walk down the road a bit. What I mean is that they may have to experience some horrible things…see some horrible things. All three of my daughters went this route. And the experiences they had out there in the drug world were horrific. All three of them have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder simply from the memories of their days on the run. But the most important thing to say right now is that all three of my daughters are still here, and today all three of them are clean, alive and living a life.

If your child is an addict living on their own, do not give them gift cards for their needs. Drug dealers will accept a gift card as a payment for drugs. If you grocery shop for them, do not leave them the receipt. Drug addicts get cash refunds on items from the grocery store or any store.

I do understand the devastation you feel when you look at your child…addicted to a substance, underweight, circles under their eyes…and you feel completely powerless to save them. And they feel powerless to save themselves. Do everything you can to wake up every day and “do life.” Take care of the other things in your life and try not to let your day be consumed with the drug addict. Remember the other family members that are NOT drug addicts may need your attention. Eat something healthy. Go to a movie. Read a book. Don’t fall in the hole because it’s really, really hard to get out of.

THERE IS HOPE…

Your child is not bad. They are addicted to drugs. They are still, deep down somewhere, amazing, intelligent, funny, brilliant, loving people. I wish there was a way to send you hope. Because without hope, the walls will come in. Just know there are so many people out in the world who understand what you’re going through. Our hearts are with you. There is hope. Someone once said to me “Where there is breath, there is hope.” This may be the only thing I know for sure.

2 Responses

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1. Dina Kucera

   Lisa:)
   I don’t know that any parent allows their child to walk down a destructive path. But I have been you. You know Lisa, these kids will wear you in to the ground. I completely get it. And they are 16 and they are going to do whatever they feel like doing and despite what so many people believe, if they are bent on it, they are going to do it. Our homes are not set up like jails. There are doors and windows and kids can exit through them any time they want. Even when you tell them not to. Clearly, something is going on with your son. There has got to be a way to say to him, “I know we are not getting along so great. But I am your mom and I love you and I want you to know that there is nothing you can tell me that will make me not love you. If there is something going on in your life that is making your heart heavy, I will help you.” I have had many different times when I am looking at one of the kids saying I love you, you are so amazing and in my head I am thinking, “Don’t choke her.” Say the words anyway. On the other side of the coin, the world right now, it’s really not so easy for kids. Teens are under a ton of social stress. I think if you make it clear to him that your end is open, it may take some time, but at some point he will come to you. If it is a drug or alcohol problem the sooner you get him in to the system, the better. A human being is never too young to be an addict. There is a good community of young sober people in every city. There are young people meetings, outpatient programs, and you can find those online. There are AA and NA meetings just for teens and that is amazing. He could meet some people that are going through the same stuff. In the mean time, after the drug issue has been addressed and while he works at the grocery store, is there something he is really interested in? Art? Acting? Writing? There are classes that are very inexpensive around town and those activities may help him focus on something he can feel passion for. If he says he’s not interested in anything like most kids, really? You can do ANYTHING! You are 16!! You have the entire world at your feet!!! And a charter school may be a better fit for him. All is not lost. He is 16 and has an entire life in front of him. And Lisa, for you, I know how hard it is. Do what you can to get him in to the system of recovery so he doesn’t have to go in the system of jails. That may be a good thing to explain to him. If our kids will not allow us to keep them safe, we have to call in back up, courts, police, jail… and that is not what we want. I’m sure your son is a great kid. I’m sure you are a great mom. It’s hard, right? Ahh… freeking kids. Let me know the events. I pray for some peace in your house and in your heart:) Dina

   November 29, 2010 at 3:59 pm

   Reply
2. Lisa

   What if you are allowing your child to walk down “that road” and they are only 16. I’m trapped. I have a year and a half until I can change the locks on my door. He has dropped out of school, works at Safeway and we have NO communication. Any suggestions. I’buying your book.

   November 27, 2010 at 8:00 pm

   Reply